Ordinarily Existing

Humans are humans When we see a beautiful vase, we praise. We don’t care if the inside is rotten. “It is hidden” we say. Humans are humans, I guess. We feast through the eyes first. And how they make us feel come second. Though some have the ability to see beauty in everything. While some, finding only beautiful things is everything.

Humans are humans We appreciate too late. Regretting our fates. When things are gone, only then we feel how they are always there all along. Making us whole. We put values on faces, colours and shape. We say we are different. One is better than the other and we stir up hate. Yet when we bleed, it still the same red shade.

We are a vessel of our emotions, pain, experiences and memories. And like a vessel, it tends to overflow. It can only hold so much. As much as we claim to be an independent creature, human being will always have to rely on something.

We have to hold to something. Be it a person, a religion, a belief, a principal or an obsession.

When we can no longer hold it in ourselves, the overflow turns into something else. A creation. The overflowing of creativity and emotions. And it can be our destruction.

People always tell me how independent I am. The thing is, they don't see I tend to hold on many things. On my trusted friends. On my family. On my love for writing and expressing myself with words. On my mediocre artistic skills creating crafts and pouring my emotions with colour and paint.

And most importantly, the one and only thing I ever really need to hold on to, My god.

What are you holding on to for dear life?

Sincerely, Ordinarily Existing

The Sky

There is something about the sky. How vast and spacious. How it changes. The colours varies. From blue, white and grey and to a blast of orange and red. And sometimes purple.

The clouds formed can be one giant one resembling mundane objects or shapes. At times it covers the whole sky so you see nothing of the stars. Nor the moon and the sun.

The white fluffs shade you through the day.

Often it resembles cotton candy in the sky. But there are magical times when it looks like a wave. Gliding and moving the sky. Feels like it's coming onto you.

Then comes the gray. The gloominess. It can changes one mood instantly. Droplets of rain falling and washing the earth and feeding the greens.

It can be romantic and it can be dreadful.

It can revive the earth but too much of it flood our land.

In certain place, the Aurora exist. Glazing the sky with beautiful waves of colours. Never cease to amaze.

There is always something about the sky. And I will never regret looking up.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

Turning point

Me and my dad used to talk a lot. Our mundane conversations are something that I held close to my heart. He used to tell me that there will come a time in everyone’s life where there is a turning point. When life seems to go as plan, something will happen that change your life course entirely. And it doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

For him it was quitting his white collar job to start his own business. Doing something he loved.

I always thought mine would be something similar.

It never occured to me that losing him is my turning point.

Salam rindu, Ordinarily Existing

Depression and being grateful: An oxymoron

There were countless times when I told people I have depression, they told me to “Look at the silver linings.”

“You have nothing to be depressed about. You have a roof over your head, food to eat and clothes to wear. There are other people that are struggling more than you.”

“You are only in your 20s, you havent taste what life can give you.”

And the biggest one yet, my favourite top notch line

“Count your blessings. You have a lot to be grateful for. You just need to put your faith in God fully.”

Here’s the thing, if we can do all that, we wouldn’t have this problem in the first place. The thing is, depressed people brains are wired to think negatively. It’s like a default. Whenever something bad happen, we immediately beat ourselves up. But, being grateful is not something we dont know how to do.

In fact, more often being grateful is something we know well enough.

We are grateful to be alive just another day because yesterday me might think to end it ourselves. We are grateful to have people that literally push us out from our misery without complaining. Our support. We are grateful for the good days we have. Something we have once in a blue moon. We are very grateful for the good times we spend with our friends and family because we usually push them away when we are having a hard time. We are grateful to have people that don’t stigmatised us. We get that a lot.

Ask a depressed person, they know their blessings. They do, trust me.

Depressed people are not ungrateful. We are forgetful. We are consumed with our darkness that we need help to see the light. We need help. That is all.

So a little help, a little support is a glimmer of hope for us to see better, to be better.

To me depression and being grateful are not mutually exclusive. You can be depressed yet be grateful with your life and all your blessings. An oxymoron.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

Mother

I witnessed my father’s tears for the first time during our visit to my late grandmother’s house. It was 5 days after she passed away. Till that moment, I have never seen my dad shows any kind of sadness.

We were decluttering her house. My late grandmother kept a lot of things. You can say she became a hoarder when she was old. I guess she did that to fill the emptiness of living alone. Alas, my father visits her every now and then. My father was the one she called whenever she was sick.

As I was sorting all her stuff that day, I take a look at my dad. He sit still as a statue when he opened a drawer in the living room . His face changed and for the first time, he cried. He cried in front all of us. I couldn’t hold my tears as I was watching my dad.

Almost 50 years of age and four adult kids later, the lost of a mother is still the most painful for him. For his sisters.

In this life, we matured, we become independent, we drifted apart from people we love as we grow up. Life consumes us. Times spent with our parents, the arguments, the scolding, the laughter and the memories became part of our past. The woman we call mother are now the person we take care of. Still, the love from a mother is eternal. Everlasting.

Years has passed, I can still see my dad holding back some tears every time we talk about her. The longing is still there. The pain when he lost her is still there. Time never heals. Time give us, well... time. To deal with our feelings. Wounds never heal over time. They settled down.

Witnessing an act of kindness nowadays is considered something like a miracle. Not to say that humankind in general are cruel and evil, but we are pretty selfish. We build a protective layer to the world around us and as long as it doesn't bother our life, we are okay with it.

I am sure not everyone likes being nosy but sometimes keeping our neighbors and our surroundings in check can go a long way. How many times do we stay away from situations we see in our life just because we don't want to get involve in a mess we don't ask for.

A homeless man getting shoo away. A woman getting pick on by disgusting perverts. People experiencing discrimination.

I am not asking everyone to be a hero and a vigilante fighting every single evil in this world. But preventing this kind of situation one every day can move mountains. Human tend to be selfish as that trait is a part of our survival instinct. However, we progress and evolve as a species. As a unit. We are all good people (except for some that are not) and I am sure we do our part to do good in this world. I am just saying let it be something that we do everyday. Let it be an impulse, let it be an automatic reflex.

Kindness is not suppose to be a rarity. It is suppose to be a regularity.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

A lot of times in my life I have stumbled upon some people who claim to be of faith but never truly understand what faith really is. They told me “Fret not, everything has been written,” Well, I am a person of faith and that is true. But are we really only following what has been written for us like a clueless character in a book? Are we that helpless in changing our fate because turns out, it is already written by God?

If so, then what is the point if living? What is the point of life rather than being a puppet controlled by a master?

True, everything has been written. But I believe that our story are written not with one story line, but many. Like a game book. Life is a series of choices. To be exact, a series of the consequences of our choices. When we have to face a situation in life where we have to make a choice, as little as deciding what to eat to deciding which college you want to go. These choices will turn our story line to a different path. So you can make a choice that can make you or break you.

But in this decision making process, do we have to rely all our faith in God without putting any effort? Like if you choose to leave your bag outside the hallway of your school and then someone stole it, is it your fault or is it already written for you?

You see, you have a choice of putting your bag safely inside a locker but you chose to leave it outside. So in this case, who's to blame?

I believe that we do have a choice in our life, though the story is already written, we can still change our path. We are not completely helpless you know. We are a creature created with the ability to think and process and analyse information. One of the amazing trait of the human kind.

The phrase “Put your trust in God but tie up your camel” came from an Islamic scholar when his friend asked him whether he should tie up his camel during their journey together. The phrase holds the power of how important our effort is and then aligning them with our faith.

Do the right thing, put the right effort, and then let go and let God.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

When things seem to go against your instinct, walk away.

When you have tried and still it feels so wrong, walk away.

When you don't feel at ease with what you are doing, walk away.

Don't tell yourself “It's okay, just hold on for a moment.” Because that will never make things okay. So, walk away.

Walk away without regrets. But never without an explanation. Walk away without guilt. But never with hurting the other end. Walk away because you deserve to do things your way. The way you feel like this is you. Walk away. But never without trying.

Friction in life can make you grow, but never too much. So knows your limit. Walk away. It is okay.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

I suffered from depression for a year before I finally realised what it really was. I never thought of it, I was clueless when I went through it. And for that, it was hell for me. I knew about depression from only its name. I don't really understand what it was, I have never cared. Not until someone told me. So, for a year, I suffered. Because going through something that you have no idea about, is tough. You have no control. You have no information on how to get help. It's like you are blindfolded, walking through a path with flames in front of you. Waiting to burn you to ashes and destroy you.

Thankfully, I was saved. Well, not cured, but saved from walking the path blindly. There was an exhibition at my university about mental health. I was never interested in any of those for it never have occurred to me before how important it is. So I went through the exhibition with curiosity. At this point, my depression was bad enough. I distanced myself from my friends, I spent most of my time alone. I came across a booth where you can do tests such as personality test and all of that. I decided to take one. It was DASS (Depression Anxiety Stress Scale).

I got goosebumps when I read through the questions as I can relate to every single one of them.

I felt I wasn't worth much as a person. Hell yeah.

I was unable to become enthusiastic about anything. Ticked.

I felt that I had lost interest in just about anything I did.

I felt that life was meaningless. All the time.

I went through every question and handed the test back to them. “We will call you once we get the result.” They said. Sure enough, three days later I got a call and an appointment set.

Severe depression and anxiety. That was the result.

Now, you have to now that to conclude a person has depression only through one test is never right. A diagnosis have to be done.

Nevertheless, the counsellor offered me to meet her for a few sessions (which I quit later because she decided i was okay after three sessions.) During one of those sessions, the story where she told me I was stranded on an Island hits home.

“I want you to imagine yourself stranded on an island. There is no one else there. Everyone you know left. You are on yourself. Now tell me, who can help you get out of that place.”

“Mmmm, I don't know. No one. I guess I'll die.”

She smiled. “Think again. Think hard. Who can help you get out of there?”

“No one?!” Now I started to get irritated. “You said everyone has left. So no one. I have no one to help me. I'll be alone and gonna starve to death.”

Again, she smiled patiently. “Really? No one?”

“Yes,” I replied coldly.

“Don't you see it?” She raised her eyebrow. “You are there. YOU. You can help yourself. Even though no one is around, you can still survive, right? By finding your own food, making a shelter for yourself. Making an effort to save yourself. It is you.”

I froze. I looked at her with my eyes wide. Shit, she was right.

“You are stuck inside your own misery that you don't look at yourself as someone that can save you. Yes, help might be great but it will be pointless if you don't want to help yourself. You are your own saviour. At the end of the day, no matter how much lending hands appear in front of you, if you don't reach out your hand it will all be useless.”

“I.. I ne.. I never think of it that way.”

What she said was tattoed in my mind for years. I hold on to that ever since.

I didn't get professional help years later. Because I thought I never need them. However, the story reminds me if I never get help, if I never reach out myself, no knights in shining armour is gonna save me. This is up to me. I have to save myself.

Never let your struggles clouded your judgement. Save yourself. Whatever it takes. Get the hell out of that island.

Love, Ordinarily Existing