Ordinarily Existing

Witnessing an act of kindness nowadays is considered something like a miracle. Not to say that humankind in general are cruel and evil, but we are pretty selfish. We build a protective layer to the world around us and as long as it doesn't bother our life, we are okay with it.

I am sure not everyone likes being nosy but sometimes keeping our neighbors and our surroundings in check can go a long way. How many times do we stay away from situations we see in our life just because we don't want to get involve in a mess we don't ask for.

A homeless man getting shoo away. A woman getting pick on by disgusting perverts. People experiencing discrimination.

I am not asking everyone to be a hero and a vigilante fighting every single evil in this world. But preventing this kind of situation one every day can move mountains. Human tend to be selfish as that trait is a part of our survival instinct. However, we progress and evolve as a species. As a unit. We are all good people (except for some that are not) and I am sure we do our part to do good in this world. I am just saying let it be something that we do everyday. Let it be an impulse, let it be an automatic reflex.

Kindness is not suppose to be a rarity. It is suppose to be a regularity.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

A lot of times in my life I have stumbled upon some people who claim to be of faith but never truly understand what faith really is. They told me “Fret not, everything has been written,” Well, I am a person of faith and that is true. But are we really only following what has been written for us like a clueless character in a book? Are we that helpless in changing our fate because turns out, it is already written by God?

If so, then what is the point if living? What is the point of life rather than being a puppet controlled by a master?

True, everything has been written. But I believe that our story are written not with one story line, but many. Like a game book. Life is a series of choices. To be exact, a series of the consequences of our choices. When we have to face a situation in life where we have to make a choice, as little as deciding what to eat to deciding which college you want to go. These choices will turn our story line to a different path. So you can make a choice that can make you or break you.

But in this decision making process, do we have to rely all our faith in God without putting any effort? Like if you choose to leave your bag outside the hallway of your school and then someone stole it, is it your fault or is it already written for you?

You see, you have a choice of putting your bag safely inside a locker but you chose to leave it outside. So in this case, who's to blame?

I believe that we do have a choice in our life, though the story is already written, we can still change our path. We are not completely helpless you know. We are a creature created with the ability to think and process and analyse information. One of the amazing trait of the human kind.

The phrase “Put your trust in God but tie up your camel” came from an Islamic scholar when his friend asked him whether he should tie up his camel during their journey together. The phrase holds the power of how important our effort is and then aligning them with our faith.

Do the right thing, put the right effort, and then let go and let God.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

When things seem to go against your instinct, walk away.

When you have tried and still it feels so wrong, walk away.

When you don't feel at ease with what you are doing, walk away.

Don't tell yourself “It's okay, just hold on for a moment.” Because that will never make things okay. So, walk away.

Walk away without regrets. But never without an explanation. Walk away without guilt. But never with hurting the other end. Walk away because you deserve to do things your way. The way you feel like this is you. Walk away. But never without trying.

Friction in life can make you grow, but never too much. So knows your limit. Walk away. It is okay.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

I suffered from depression for a year before I finally realised what it really was. I never thought of it, I was clueless when I went through it. And for that, it was hell for me. I knew about depression from only its name. I don't really understand what it was, I have never cared. Not until someone told me. So, for a year, I suffered. Because going through something that you have no idea about, is tough. You have no control. You have no information on how to get help. It's like you are blindfolded, walking through a path with flames in front of you. Waiting to burn you to ashes and destroy you.

Thankfully, I was saved. Well, not cured, but saved from walking the path blindly. There was an exhibition at my university about mental health. I was never interested in any of those for it never have occurred to me before how important it is. So I went through the exhibition with curiosity. At this point, my depression was bad enough. I distanced myself from my friends, I spent most of my time alone. I came across a booth where you can do tests such as personality test and all of that. I decided to take one. It was DASS (Depression Anxiety Stress Scale).

I got goosebumps when I read through the questions as I can relate to every single one of them.

I felt I wasn't worth much as a person. Hell yeah.

I was unable to become enthusiastic about anything. Ticked.

I felt that I had lost interest in just about anything I did.

I felt that life was meaningless. All the time.

I went through every question and handed the test back to them. “We will call you once we get the result.” They said. Sure enough, three days later I got a call and an appointment set.

Severe depression and anxiety. That was the result.

Now, you have to now that to conclude a person has depression only through one test is never right. A diagnosis have to be done.

Nevertheless, the counsellor offered me to meet her for a few sessions (which I quit later because she decided i was okay after three sessions.) During one of those sessions, the story where she told me I was stranded on an Island hits home.

“I want you to imagine yourself stranded on an island. There is no one else there. Everyone you know left. You are on yourself. Now tell me, who can help you get out of that place.”

“Mmmm, I don't know. No one. I guess I'll die.”

She smiled. “Think again. Think hard. Who can help you get out of there?”

“No one?!” Now I started to get irritated. “You said everyone has left. So no one. I have no one to help me. I'll be alone and gonna starve to death.”

Again, she smiled patiently. “Really? No one?”

“Yes,” I replied coldly.

“Don't you see it?” She raised her eyebrow. “You are there. YOU. You can help yourself. Even though no one is around, you can still survive, right? By finding your own food, making a shelter for yourself. Making an effort to save yourself. It is you.”

I froze. I looked at her with my eyes wide. Shit, she was right.

“You are stuck inside your own misery that you don't look at yourself as someone that can save you. Yes, help might be great but it will be pointless if you don't want to help yourself. You are your own saviour. At the end of the day, no matter how much lending hands appear in front of you, if you don't reach out your hand it will all be useless.”

“I.. I ne.. I never think of it that way.”

What she said was tattoed in my mind for years. I hold on to that ever since.

I didn't get professional help years later. Because I thought I never need them. However, the story reminds me if I never get help, if I never reach out myself, no knights in shining armour is gonna save me. This is up to me. I have to save myself.

Never let your struggles clouded your judgement. Save yourself. Whatever it takes. Get the hell out of that island.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

“Manusia mudah lupa”. A literal translation of this famous Malay proverb is “Human is forgetful”. It is known that despite being the most advanced creature, human often forget. We forget what time it is, the add maths we used to learn in high school, the histories, and in the mess of all the things human forget is their blessings.

We forget the freedom of simply being able to breathe freely when the flu hit. We forget to be thankful for the amazing dishes our mom made and started to miss it when we are far away from home. We forget the feeling of staying up late trying ti finish our favourite book and reminiscing the feeling when we are too busy to finish a single book. We forget the silly jokes and memories with our friends that literally made you laugh till you hurt your stomach and started to wish how we would want to capture the moment even more.

Every single one of us forget a lot of our simple blessings without exception. I never realises how God keep sending me signals that I never care to noticed. A series of unnoticed blessings I forget to say thank you for. My healthy body, my family, my loyal friends, my education to name a few out of millions I took for granted.

When I was pondering upon my life during a picturesque afternoon walk, I noticed that throughout every stage of my life I will always have good people surrounding me and help to ease my journey. Certainly there were and will be bad encounters to teach me a thing or two. But there will always be someone for me to rely on.

Now look at your surroundings, look at yourself. What are the millions unnoticed blessings you often forget to be grateful for?

Love, Ordinarily Existing

We are all given one pair of shoes in life for us to walk with. This shoes are not replaceable, non-refundable and every pair of shoes is designed to fit the person that is using them perfectly.

Now some shoes are harder to walk in than others. But that doesn't mean that the person that is wearing them isn't hurting.

Some shoes are made of wool and fluffiness, when the person is walking it's like they are walking on clouds. Some shoes are made of solid wood and it bruises the owner with every step they take. Some shoes are just moderate, it can't hurt that much but still you will be exhausted and drain from time to time. Some just walk barefoot, so as time goes by, their skin just gets thicker and thicker just to survive. Some shoes are made of odd things and doesn't even make sense.

The question is can we compare all of these shoes with each other? Remember, they are custom made to fit the person wearing them. The experience of wearing these shoes would also vary completely from one another. Comparing would be a silly thing. It's like comparing an apple to an orange. They are both fruits but nothing is quite the same.

So when the person is complaining that they are hurting, that the walk is hard, does that mean what they are feeling is invalid? Of course not. We can never invalidated someone's feeling just because we are not experiencing what they are feeling at the moment. Though some complains might be a little annoying but what is hurting, is hurting. As simple as that.

You may say 'But her shoes are made of wood, it's hard and bruises you every time you take a step. You should be grateful that yours is made of fluff.”

The point is, the person in the fluff shoes are not given the shoes made out of wood. She knows how hard the wooden shoes may be. Does that mean that her fluff shoes gave her an easy walk? It can give her the extreme itchiness or make her fall from sharp corner every once in a while.

We can't take someone shoes and try them on just to see “how it is”. That is the rule of the shoes of life. That doesn't mean that some experiences can't be shared. Isn't better if all of us try to be a listener and have a little empathy. That would go a long way.

The only thing that we can do is we must understand that every pair of shoes is different, some may be harder than others but they all have their own perks and flaws.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

Kring!! Kring!!

The bell of the Putu Mayam seller rang throughout the neighborhood. From the distance, as the seller was busy with his customers, he saw a man in his sixties running towards him while waving his hand. The man arrived and took a breath before saying “Can I have 10 Putu Mayam?”

“Sure. For your granddaughter?” The seller smile while packing the requested order.

“Yes yes. she is coming to visit me today.” The old man said while smiling. Still catching his breath from the little run he did.

“You came here running even if I am about to leave. Your granddaughter must have loves Putu Mayam.” The seller commented. “That will be RM 6.”

“Here you go. It is her favourite. Especially yours. Thank you and see you soon.” The old man happily took the Putu Mayam and went straight back home. He can't wait to see the smile of his granddaughter who was barely 5 years old when she see how much Putu Mayam she can devour.

_____________________________________________

That was all the memory that the little girl can remember for the time with her grandfather was limited. He passed away a few years later and she was so small to remember every memories of her grandfather. She was not blessed with spending much time with him as she grew up. Often, she envied those who still be able to spend every occasions with their grandfather.

Nevertheless, she grew up with fond memory of her late grandfather. And every single time she saw Putu Mayam, the memory will rush right back. She thank god for the little time she had with him. Though the memory was a simple one, it was one she cherished in her heart the most.

Kring!! Kring!!

She jumped out of excitement as she heard the bell of the Putu Mayam seller.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

Silence. The world around her was silence as she stood on the side of the road. It was almost midnight, not a single soul was to be seen at this hour in the campus. A few cars went by. That was what she waited for. She waited for the right time to kill herself.

Almost three months of being numbed with feelings. She was empty. But not her head. Her head was filled with voices. Voices that kept on bugging her with insults after insults, insecurities and doubt. Voices that kept on telling her to die.

“How can you fail the first semester of college?” “You are such an embarrassment to your parents.” “You don't deserve to live. Why do you? All you do in life was being a loser.” “You are useless. So useless even if you disappear in this world, no one will care.” “Stupid, useless, ugly bitch. Just kill yourself if that makes everything better.”

From a distance she can see a white car were about to pass by. She set one foot on the road. She sets her mind to jerk her body off as the car was near. She was ready. Ready to jump in front of the car and kill herself. But as she wanted to move her leg, she froze. She froze as her body started to tremble. She fell to the ground as tears fell down her cheeks and she sobbed. Her body was shaking so terribly.

And just like that, the car drove by. She hated herself for hesitating at that moment. She hated every single thing about her. She lost it, her legs was shaking as she sat down on the pavement of the sidewalk. She cried. Letting go every single pain she bottled down for months. She cried as her nails dig into her forearm. Creating red marks and bruises. Physical pain was nothing at this point. Because all her body was numbed. There was only one string left attached to her soul that stop her from doing the thing she never thought she would do.

Quarter after midnight. It has been quite long since she cried. She stood up and looked around. Thank god there was no one that witnessed one of the darkest moments of her life. Or so she thought. She wiped her cheeks and swollen eyes. Put her earphones in, blasts some music and continue to walk back to her dorm.

She might not know this, though she hated herself for not dying that night. Years to come, she would say thank you. But how can she know? When it will be in the near future she thought she could never live through. How can she know that things finally get better if she decided her life ends that night? How can she know?

We have seen a lot of movies where a person make a turning point in the way they live after finding out their time on earth was limited.

I mean everyone will die one day. Everyone’s days are numbered. The difference is, how much numbers are left?

Once we see that death is upon us, life seems so simple. We started ignoring the talk of others, we stand by action speaks louder than words, we also stand by the fact that words do have their own power. We started doing things we never thought we will do once in our life, we also started doing things we always wanted to do. We start to care, say I love you to the people who need to hear it. Something small that seems to irritate us now seems trivial. We forgive the people who hurt us, not for the sake of them, for the sake of ourselves.

We finally started to live. We started to live our lives the way we were supposed to, for the reason that we know we only have this chance once. Because one day, we will no longer be here and will be buried deep down and cease to exist. All that is left of us are the memories. We sure want to leave a good one.

Putting on the glasses of death and living through its view might sounds a little bit insane but it is a good way to not waste this life away.

I have come to a point where I no longer explain my situation to everyone. To everyone that asked out of courtesy and just for the sake of having a conversation. Those that asked for a scoop of their empty talks during afternoon tea.

Because there are people that refused to really listen and try to understand why you are the way you are. I understand better now. That people have different level of understanding. Different level of sympathy and empathy. Different level of capability of trying to put themselves in someone’s shoes. No matter how much you explain, if they don’t open up their heart and their mind, they will always be stuck with their point of view and refuse to try and take a look at yours.

You need to be careful with whom you share your struggles with. Because a human heart can change in a blink of an eye. And what is on their faces will never reflect the true colour of their heart. For a moment you thought “I might have found someone that I can rely on and understands my struggles.” But the next thing you know, they share your misery with everyone else.

When you have found the right person, the one that really understands you, even a moment of silence will be a conversation worth having.

Love, Ordinarily Existing