Ordinarily Existing

I know how that felt. It sucks big time. It really affects my day to day life when I am in one of my episodes. Ignoring the whole world around me and just succumb to the darkness that surrounded me. And I wrote something last year when I was finally trying to get out of one of my episodes. So here it goes, to those of you...

To those of you that finally get up from your bed today, I am proud of you. To those of you that finally clean your room today, I am proud of you. To those of you that finally take a shower, clean and groom yourself, I am proud of you. To those of you that finally open up your messages and reply them one by one, I am so proud of you. To those of you that finally answer your email, I am so proud of you. To those of you that finally decided to go out of the room to get fresh air, I am so proud of you. To those of you that finally sort your life, picking up the pieces, I am so proud of you. Because that is what I do today. Finally decided to sort my life out. That is what I do today. And I am proud of myself. It is okay if you do it one by one. It is okay if you do nothing at all. Because taking time to sort the mess inside your head isn’t easy. It may seems a petty progress to others who don’t understand. But I know how much of courage it takes to get out of that dark place.

The very existence of yourself, the fact that you are breathing today, is the very proof of your strong willpower. The very proof that you won over the battle between your demon. So to those of you that are reading this, I am proud of you. And I need you to be proud of yourself too.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

Cherokee is one of the largest Indian tribes in Southeastern Woodlands of the United States. And as their long history, birthed a legendary parable of the two wolves, which I am sure a lot of us have heard of. Nonetheless, I still want to tell the tale as it is one of my favorite.

It started with an old Cherokee chief who was trying to teach a lesson of life to his grandson.

“My child, there are battles of two wolves that goes on inside us everyday. One wolf is Evil. They embodied anger, jealousy, envy, regret, sorrow, greed, arrogance, self pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, self-pride, ego and superiority.

The other one is Good. They embodied joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The grandson was all ears and pondered for a while, and then he asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win the battle?”

The wise grandfather simply replied “The one you feed.”

That battle, we face them everyday without us realizing. A battle of choice. That is what life is all about. The choices you make, will eventually shape the kind of person you are. Without a doubt, what kind of person you are will determine the kind of future you will have. life is one tangle of mess we have to deal with.

So, the important question is, which one of the wolf you feed today?

Love, Ordinarily Existing

Through cracked wall of stones and bricks, there emerged one tiny living in bright green. Desperately trying to reach out for the light. Its own need for survival is able to break through a wall of stones. You can see them destroying sidewalks as it grows, climbing on walls as it reaches out for the slight taste of light. Plants I tell you, are the most resilient beings.

I hope to those of you who are struggling, have the strength of a plant. Because when we are desperate for survival, we’ll do anything to reach out to that light. I hope one day you too will be able to break through the wall of bricks, destroying the stones. I hope one day you too will be like a plant. Resilient yet beautiful.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

Have you ever wake up with a voice inside your head telling you that you deserve to die because you are useless?

That is me. Almost every single day. That voice is what glued me on my bed for days. That voice is the reason my life sometimes is a living hell.

So if you never wake up with a voice inside your head telling you mean things, be grateful. For some people, it is a peace of mind that we have to fight for every single day.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

‪There is no good when we dwell over the “What ifs”. Because we dwell over something that will never happen. We dwelll over things that isn’t the reality. We dwell over something that is out of reach. So there is no good in dwelling over the “what ifs”. ‬

Because that habit kills time. It kills our time. And when our time got killed, we lose a part of ourself. And eventually, we lose every part of ourself. That is when our soul will die. Because we dwell over a part of us that might never be. That is a suicide to your soul that is living.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

2 a.m thought

No one could love someone as broken as me.

I am made of shattered pieces of glass. As I tried to reassemble the pieces along the way, it got broken again. As I tried to find my worth in the cracks, they cut me. Sometimes, they cut me deep as the the edges are sharp. And they cut other people too. I am not the only one that got hurt by my broken pieces.

Yet, there is not one person in this life that is not broken. Everyone, somewhere along the road of life will stumble upon something. A bump in the road, enough to break us into pieces. At times, the damage is severe that we cannot salvage every piece. Some pieces shattered into tiny million ones that are just impossible to be put back together again.

So when I thought that someone will never love the broken pieces of me, I am being completely delusional and cynical. Because all we have to do is meet a person that when they look at out broken pieces, they will say “Hey, want to look at mine?”. And you need to meet a person that is kind enough to show you how to mend those broken pieces. Might even help you glued every single piece.

When you think that your broken pieces are nothing but hurtful things, think again. Because to be vulnerable is to be human. To be broken is to be human. And that is completely okay.

We are all made of broken pieces after all.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

Just like how a person's eyes are the window to their soul, my writing is a window through MY soul. I write for comfort. Writing is the only thing that gives me an ability to express my deepest thought. But I am also afraid knowing too many people can see me for who I am if they know me. So this gave me a chance to share my thoughts, my writing without being judged. A kind reminder, eyes can be a window to our soul, but just like windows, they never really show the bigger picture. You can never know someone through their eyes. True, it does give you permission to see parts of a person that no one can really see, but never wholeheartedly. My writing is the same. It might give you an insight on how I think, my feelings and a little bit on my life. But I am a whole person, and this is only a part of me.

I have a lot of random thoughts and personal, quite intimate experiences that I love to share. So here it goes. My first post. Welcome to the window of my life.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

Just like how a person's eyes are the window to their soul, my writing is a window through MY soul. I write for comfort. Writing is the only thing that gives me an ability to express my deepest thought. But I am also afraid knowing too many people can see me for who I am if they know me. So this gave me a chance to share my thoughts, my writing without being judged. A kind reminder, eyes can be a window to our soul, but just like windows, they never really show the bigger picture. You can never know someone through their eyes. True, it does give you permission to see parts of a person that no one can really see, but never wholeheartedly. My writing is the same. It might give you an insight on how I think, my feelings and a little bit on my life. But I am a whole person, and this is only a part of me.

I have a lot of random thoughts and personal quite intimate experiences that I love to share. So here it goes. My first post. Welcome to the window of my life.

Love, Ordinarily Existing