Ordinarily Existing

Silence. The world around her was silence as she stood on the side of the road. It was almost midnight, not a single soul was to be seen at this hour in the campus. A few cars went by. That was what she waited for. She waited for the right time to kill herself.

Almost three months of being numbed with feelings. She was empty. But not her head. Her head was filled with voices. Voices that kept on bugging her with insults after insults, insecurities and doubt. Voices that kept on telling her to die.

“How can you fail the first semester of college?” “You are such an embarrassment to your parents.” “You don't deserve to live. Why do you? All you do in life was being a loser.” “You are useless. So useless even if you disappear in this world, no one will care.” “Stupid, useless, ugly bitch. Just kill yourself if that makes everything better.”

From a distance she can see a white car were about to pass by. She set one foot on the road. She sets her mind to jerk her body off as the car was near. She was ready. Ready to jump in front of the car and kill herself. But as she wanted to move her leg, she froze. She froze as her body started to tremble. She fell to the ground as tears fell down her cheeks and she sobbed. Her body was shaking so terribly.

And just like that, the car drove by. She hated herself for hesitating at that moment. She hated every single thing about her. She lost it, her legs was shaking as she sat down on the pavement of the sidewalk. She cried. Letting go every single pain she bottled down for months. She cried as her nails dig into her forearm. Creating red marks and bruises. Physical pain was nothing at this point. Because all her body was numbed. There was only one string left attached to her soul that stop her from doing the thing she never thought she would do.

Quarter after midnight. It has been quite long since she cried. She stood up and looked around. Thank god there was no one that witnessed one of the darkest moments of her life. Or so she thought. She wiped her cheeks and swollen eyes. Put her earphones in, blasts some music and continue to walk back to her dorm.

She might not know this, though she hated herself for not dying that night. Years to come, she would say thank you. But how can she know? When it will be in the near future she thought she could never live through. How can she know that things finally get better if she decided her life ends that night? How can she know?