Ordinarily Existing

Thinking about death

I have been thinking about death a lot. Not the suicidal way.

Knowing that each one of us will taste death, and in that moment nothing in life will matters anymore. Slowly, we will cease to exist, and no one cares. Only our loved ones will remember us. But they too will be caught up with their life.

People will talk. For a moment. On how we use to be. The good and the bad. Let us pray mostly the good ones, I hope.

But when they took the steps from our grave, slowly their thoughts will be consumed by other things. And in time, we will be forgotten. And we cannot blame them. As that is how life is. We are expected to move on and keep on living.

I don't think it is sad, because we will be dead to know it anyway.

And death never is untimely. It is always on time.

Islam encourages people to always keep death in mind. Again, not in a bad suicidal maniac way.

In a way that, when you want to do something good, hasten it. Because you can die at any moment, and you might miss the opportunity.

When you want to do something bad, think about death. What happen to you when you die doing something your God will not be happy for.

Every action of ours will be held accountable. So, behave, as death might happen to you at any time, and you don't have the time to repent.

Don't be too serious and caught up with these worldly matters such as work and collecting wealth, as all of that doesn't matter when you die. Enjoy this life while you can. Take a moment and praise God for what he has given you.

This world is a temporary place for us believers, and death will be the released that we crave. For the believers that are longing the eternal afterlife and the sinners that are trying to be immortal in this world. Avoiding their punishment as long as they can.

Just like breathing, death will happen to us naturally. In time. When we are meant to leave this life.

Are we ready yet?

Love, Ordinarily Existing

My prayers were answered but I was too ignorant to know it

A few years ago, I had the privileged of performing Umrah. I was still wondering on how that privileged was given to me as I am not the best muslim out there and I think Allah knows that I needed. My soul needed it.

During my time there, I had experienced peace and content like nothing else. And if that is what we will feel like in heaven, or even more, I pray that I will be one of the members of Jannah.

I got sick when I arrived there. Due to the extreme weather changes and my body is trying to adapt. I even lost my voice for the first time in my life.

During my sickness, I performed my second umrah alone. And while I was doing the tawaf, I saw they are opening Hijr Ismail for people to pray inside. I pray to Allah again and again and again during tawaf for me to be able to perform a prayer and dua inside Hijr Ismail.

And behold, I did. Somehow, I managed to get through the crowd and able to get inside. And there, I pray with my whole heart.

One of my prayers was that Allah gives me the rizq for me to help my family. Especially financially.

A year after, a lot of things happened. I got a new job and although my pay raise is not what I expected. Allah still blessed me with everything else I wanted for a job.

A lot happened to my family too. And somewhere along the way, I have to support some of them financially. Although not much, but I still give what I can. However, I get angry and annoyed when I became the very person that have to sacrifice my hard earn money to help them, when in reality, they are the one that are supposed to help me.

When I was sitting down, trying to get a lil nap inside the surau once, I realized that this situation is exactly what I have prayed for. And oh, how I have been so ungrateful and ignorant.

I should thank Allah a million times for me to be blessed like this. And I pray that Allah will give me more rizq in order for me to be able to do good for my family.

Dear Allah, Oh Ya Rahim, Ya Razak, Forgive my anger and my ungratefulness. Blessed me and guide me through every hardship you gave me. Make me a better person in every aspect. increase my rizq and my money. Make me the person that can financially bless someone while having a stable income and savings.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

A Little Detour

My dad was the one that taught me how to drive. During all those lessons, I have kept one inside my head while I drive every single day.

“Never panic when you take the wrong turn. Just keep going and don't endanger anyone else by doing stupid things like reversing your car in the middle of the road. Remember, there is always a way out.”

When planning highways and roads, they will often design them in a way that all roads are connected. A U-turn or another intersection you can go through to get back to where you are.

There is always a way for you to go back to the right path.

You just need to explore and find one.

Not until he passed away, and a few years later, while missing him like I do every day, his advice moved from my head to my heart. And it brings a whole different meaning.

When in life, there will always be detours. From our goals and our destination. It is never a straight path. And never easy too. We sometimes took the wrong turns or missed it out entirely. Completely swinging us to a whole different direction, another place. Another road with a new point of view.

And we panic. Thinking this is definitely not in the plan. That we will never get back to where we should be. And anxious that we get badly delayed from our initial itinerary.

Take a deep breath. And just keep going.

Different road gives us freash new perspectives and views. Another experience for us to gain.

So maybe we are meant to detours a little bit. Or a lot. Maybe all the wrong turns are actually just the right ones. Shaping us for who we are meant to be. Gaining something else along the way.

As we arrive to our destination and look back, it wasn't that bad after all.

It was a worthwhile journey.

So don't be afraid of a little detour. Just drive along and enjoy the view. You'll get to the end eventually.

With love, Ordinarily Existing

I lost my father over 3 years ago. He succumbed to the virus. It was a life changing event.

Though life seems to move on like usual. I went to work after 3 days of the “official” mourning period. Like nothing happened. Like I left my work for a break.

Over time, the mourning continues and grew even bigger. Sometimes, I am exploded with emotions and just a simple thought of him, will bring me to tears. I can't even mention him in a conversation.

It has been 3 years and counting. And I seem to forget his face.

It felt weird. Not remembering how he looked like.

Sure, I have pictures. I have videos. And it broke my heart hearing his voice in those videos.

But if I were to cross path with him on a sidewalk, I don't think I can recognize him in an instant. Which is scary.

And embarrassing. How can I forget a face I used to look at every day? How can I forget a face I used to look for in crowded places?

Whenever I look at his pictures now, I will try to scan every inch of his face. And saying things like “Oh, this is how you look like”

I seem to forget my father's face. And I don't want to. I hope I won't.

Ever.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

Humans are humans When we see a beautiful vase, we praise. We don’t care if the inside is rotten. “It is hidden” we say. Humans are humans, I guess. We feast through the eyes first. And how they make us feel come second. Though some have the ability to see beauty in everything. While some, finding only beautiful things is everything.

Humans are humans We appreciate too late. Regretting our fates. When things are gone, only then we feel how they are always there all along. Making us whole. We put values on faces, colours and shape. We say we are different. One is better than the other and we stir up hate. Yet when we bleed, it still the same red shade.

We are a vessel of our emotions, pain, experiences and memories. And like a vessel, it tends to overflow. It can only hold so much. As much as we claim to be an independent creature, human being will always have to rely on something.

We have to hold to something. Be it a person, a religion, a belief, a principal or an obsession.

When we can no longer hold it in ourselves, the overflow turns into something else. A creation. The overflowing of creativity and emotions. And it can be our destruction.

People always tell me how independent I am. The thing is, they don't see I tend to hold on many things. On my trusted friends. On my family. On my love for writing and expressing myself with words. On my mediocre artistic skills creating crafts and pouring my emotions with colour and paint.

And most importantly, the one and only thing I ever really need to hold on to, My god.

What are you holding on to for dear life?

Sincerely, Ordinarily Existing

The Sky

There is something about the sky. How vast and spacious. How it changes. The colours varies. From blue, white and grey and to a blast of orange and red. And sometimes purple.

The clouds formed can be one giant one resembling mundane objects or shapes. At times it covers the whole sky so you see nothing of the stars. Nor the moon and the sun.

The white fluffs shade you through the day.

Often it resembles cotton candy in the sky. But there are magical times when it looks like a wave. Gliding and moving the sky. Feels like it's coming onto you.

Then comes the gray. The gloominess. It can changes one mood instantly. Droplets of rain falling and washing the earth and feeding the greens.

It can be romantic and it can be dreadful.

It can revive the earth but too much of it flood our land.

In certain place, the Aurora exist. Glazing the sky with beautiful waves of colours. Never cease to amaze.

There is always something about the sky. And I will never regret looking up.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

Turning point

Me and my dad used to talk a lot. Our mundane conversations are something that I held close to my heart. He used to tell me that there will come a time in everyone’s life where there is a turning point. When life seems to go as plan, something will happen that change your life course entirely. And it doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

For him it was quitting his white collar job to start his own business. Doing something he loved.

I always thought mine would be something similar.

It never occured to me that losing him is my turning point.

Salam rindu, Ordinarily Existing

Depression and being grateful: An oxymoron

There were countless times when I told people I have depression, they told me to “Look at the silver linings.”

“You have nothing to be depressed about. You have a roof over your head, food to eat and clothes to wear. There are other people that are struggling more than you.”

“You are only in your 20s, you havent taste what life can give you.”

And the biggest one yet, my favourite top notch line

“Count your blessings. You have a lot to be grateful for. You just need to put your faith in God fully.”

Here’s the thing, if we can do all that, we wouldn’t have this problem in the first place. The thing is, depressed people brains are wired to think negatively. It’s like a default. Whenever something bad happen, we immediately beat ourselves up. But, being grateful is not something we dont know how to do.

In fact, more often being grateful is something we know well enough.

We are grateful to be alive just another day because yesterday me might think to end it ourselves. We are grateful to have people that literally push us out from our misery without complaining. Our support. We are grateful for the good days we have. Something we have once in a blue moon. We are very grateful for the good times we spend with our friends and family because we usually push them away when we are having a hard time. We are grateful to have people that don’t stigmatised us. We get that a lot.

Ask a depressed person, they know their blessings. They do, trust me.

Depressed people are not ungrateful. We are forgetful. We are consumed with our darkness that we need help to see the light. We need help. That is all.

So a little help, a little support is a glimmer of hope for us to see better, to be better.

To me depression and being grateful are not mutually exclusive. You can be depressed yet be grateful with your life and all your blessings. An oxymoron.

Love, Ordinarily Existing

Mother

I witnessed my father’s tears for the first time during our visit to my late grandmother’s house. It was 5 days after she passed away. Till that moment, I have never seen my dad shows any kind of sadness.

We were decluttering her house. My late grandmother kept a lot of things. You can say she became a hoarder when she was old. I guess she did that to fill the emptiness of living alone. Alas, my father visits her every now and then. My father was the one she called whenever she was sick.

As I was sorting all her stuff that day, I take a look at my dad. He sit still as a statue when he opened a drawer in the living room . His face changed and for the first time, he cried. He cried in front all of us. I couldn’t hold my tears as I was watching my dad.

Almost 50 years of age and four adult kids later, the lost of a mother is still the most painful for him. For his sisters.

In this life, we matured, we become independent, we drifted apart from people we love as we grow up. Life consumes us. Times spent with our parents, the arguments, the scolding, the laughter and the memories became part of our past. The woman we call mother are now the person we take care of. Still, the love from a mother is eternal. Everlasting.

Years has passed, I can still see my dad holding back some tears every time we talk about her. The longing is still there. The pain when he lost her is still there. Time never heals. Time give us, well... time. To deal with our feelings. Wounds never heal over time. They settled down.